When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
