Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
