some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
