hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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