I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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