1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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