Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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