I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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