So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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