On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
