I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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