I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
