I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
