If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
