If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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