sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
