u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
