If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
