What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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