woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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