why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
