Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
