Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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