I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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