NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
