Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
