Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
