is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
