I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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