alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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