Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
