The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
