You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
