I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
