Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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