i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
