She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Randomize
