Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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