So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life