dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are