i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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