I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
