Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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