Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
