Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
