This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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