i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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