So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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