i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
