I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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