so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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