I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
