I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
