oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
