why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
