now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
