Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
40s are totally the cure
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
