i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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