I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
