if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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