I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
