Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
