it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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