Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
