Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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