I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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