Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
